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The March of Time

Musings on the inevitability of ageing: the good bits, the bad bits, the ugly bits and the funny bits.

Deep & MeaningfulI heartThe March of Time

Farewell, Scouser: the joy and heartbreak of owning a dog

Our dog was supposed to be a cat.  

Many years ago my husband went out to find a kitten for our daughter’s third birthday. We’d had many conversations about the type of pet that might suit this only child of ours: he was voting for a dog and I was firmly on the cat path. Although not a cat person, I was attracted by the idea of low maintenance; no room in my life for a pet who required lots of looking after. Definitely not. So off he went, one July morning, to find a kitten for our little girl. Cute, right?  

And then. 

A phonecall at work. “I found her! Just one thing though. She’s a puppy”.  

“Absolutely not”. 

“Just come and take a look and then decide. We don’t have to get her but just meet her.” 

It’s the oldest trick in the book and he had me hook, line and sinker. I still don’t know if he even looked at kittens. BOOM, there she was, a whirlwind of soft grey fur, clumsy on her big paws, affectionate, snuggly and definitely our dog. She sat in my lap, curled up and looked disinclined to go anywhere else. We found out that she had been homed with a recently separated family: the mother had bought her to cheer up the kids, not understanding that puppies bring their own special brand of chaos to the house. It was too much, and she was returned after six weeks. So our puppy was a discounted, confused, return-to-the-shop who just needed a stable home and a family to love her. 

Next thing we were taking her home with our daughter proudly holding her lead in a busy carpark on the way to the car – “Don’t let go!”. But she wasn’t letting go, and she spent the rest of her childhood holding on for dear life.  

Holding on for dear life.

We named her Scouser, after the people of Liverpool where my husband was born. Generally speaking, Scousers are funny, tough, kind and clever. I’ve never met one I didn’t like (although I’ve met plenty I didn’t understand). 

Our little triangular family became a square, and Scouser became our daughter’s constant companion, guarding her against any unknown adult who dared enter the property but welcoming every child with bouncy licks, furious tail wags and rolling over for tummy tickles. Patience personified, she was dressed up as a princess, used as a horse for doll races, covered in glitter and sequins and even wrapped up like a baby for domestic play purposes. She was a cross between a bearded collie and a schnauzer, so like a miniature English Sheepdog – think Nana in Peter Pan. 

She got me off the sofa and out walking: just the mention of a walk would have her jumping in circles and we traversed the neighbourhood daily, getting to know the community, revelling in the sun, battling the wind or hunkering down in the rain. She had a very fetching Drizabone for such occasions. 

Years went by with trips to the beach chasing seagulls, car journeys with head firmly out the window, frolicking on the trampoline, playfights, cuddles and snuggles. Time seemed to fly past in the wag of a tail.  

Always a good sport.

As time went on, Scouser slowed down. The suggestion of a walk didn’t invoke the same enthusiasm; she was diagnosed with arthritis and given pain relief. Then sleeping became the most desired activity after eating; so we let her sleep. And then one day sleeping took priority over eating: then, we knew we had a problem. 

A heart condition was discovered and medication dispensed, which kept her going in a comfortable place for around six months. But we knew we were all living on borrowed time. There is a thing called ‘anticipatory grief’ – when you process a lot of your grief prior to loss of life, and I think we did a fair bit of that. Suffice to say cuddles were number one priority. 

Snuggles <3

And then one night three months ago while I was overseas, she sat up in her basket on the floor in our bedroom, coughed and lay back down again, asleep forever now. My husband and daughter sat with her through the night and for a lot of the next day, which was a Sunday. I was in Australia for a joyous family occasion and that Sunday was a surreal experience for me. I did manage to see her when I got back to Auckland at the pet crematorium: she was curled up in her basket still, snuggled and at peace with her favourite blanket on to keep her warm. The vet tells us this is the best case scenario: at home, with the family, and quickly. She was 15 years old.   

Would I do it again? Absolutely not, and yes, in a heartbeat. I can’t recommend having a dog in the family enough. If you’re on the fence about this, let me try to pull you over the line. Children thrive with dogs in the house: they have someone to tell their secrets to, unconditional love is modelled unconditionally, and there is fun and laughter to be had. So, so much fun and laughter! It’s tough in the early days: puppies belie the chaos and stress they bring with their adorable little faces, but it’s worth it: that stage is just a blip in the life of a dog, if you’re as lucky as we were to have a dog that lives to a ripe old age.  

And yet, we won’t get another one. Scouser was sent to us for a purpose: she bookended our kids’ childhood perfectly: arriving on her third birthday and leaving just months before she leaves high school. Her job was done and if dogs can feel pride, she would have been bursting with it.  

So get the dog. Grit your teeth when it pees on the carpet and love it with all you have: you can guarantee it will love you back ten times harder. But remember when you do, a deal has been struck: it will end in a kind of heartbreak that is somehow okay because, well, you got the dog.  

Farewell, Scouser: the joy and heartbreak of owning a dog was last modified: September 26th, 2021 by Lizzie Dean
September 26, 2021 21 comments
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FeaturedThe March of Time

That Time I Stopped Drinking (and it stuck)

I didn’t mean to stop drinking permanently. We were only meant to be on a break, me and the Sauv. But, nearly two years later, it seems to have stuck…

On paper, it made no sense. I mean, I was pretty good at the drinking thing. It was all quite civilised really; nothing too “out there” – my twenties were spent bar-hopping in various countries and my relationship with my husband was based almost entirely on alcohol for the first few years (is that wrong?). Apart form a brief respite when I was pregnant, I was a consistent player with good form and no history of injuries.  So why stop?

I blame the Baileys.

Nearly two years ago, I was looking forward to a Sunday night dinner with friends. We’d have a few drinks at home, followed by a few drinks over dinner, then I’d get up on Monday morning ready for the gym and carry on with my week. Right?

Wrong. Turns out, somewhere between the ages of 45 and 50, my ability to actually carry out all the steps outlined above with zero consequences vanished.

Back to that Sunday evening – we had a few drinks at home, in fact I think I had a few drinks before our friends arrived. Then we had more-than-a-few drinks over dinner: I don’t know why I was compelled to drink quite so much. The company was good, the vibe was relaxed and fun, there was no stress. Then we came home and had even more drinks (Baileys, to mix things up – what fun!). I was happily sloshed, nothing dramatic, no fiery arguments or embarrassing episodes, I didn’t even get to dance on one table. So far, so good.

I went to bed and woke up at 3am with The Horrors. Then I woke up at 6am knowing there was no way I was going to work, let alone the gym. Once I called in sick, something I never do unless I’m actually sick, I had that moment. You know the one – a voice in your head that shouts “FUCK THIS NOISE!”

The thought had been circling in the back of my mind for some time – years perhaps – but it was crystallising this one particular morning: it was time to stop drinking.

I was drinking moderately most evenings, and on those I didn’t I had a terrible sense of deprivation. When I accepted social events I’d subconsciously calculate the effect of the likely hangover that would follow. Occasionally I’d try to moderate but honestly, moderating an addictive substance makes me sad. I remember this from giving up smoking (addictive personality, anyone?). I’m an all-or-nothing kind of gal; a double edged sword.

So on this Monday morning I found myself really wanting to try and understand what it would feel like to not drink at all – an easy decision when faced with a hangover the size of a small planet. I decided to “give it a swerve” for a week and see how that felt. I joined the Living Sober forum, run by Lotta Dann, who wrote “Mrs D is Going Without” and read some pretty great books (listed at the end of this blog).

So began a series of “Firsts”.

First Friday Night
Ginger beer with a twist of lime got me through and I realised it was really only 6.30 (when I opened that bottle) till 9.30 (when I’d usually fall asleep on the sofa) that was the “problem” time.

First Dinner Party
I spent the entire day of this dinner party in an extremely grumpy mood, convinced that everyone would be having fun apart from me. I dreaded it. Instead, I turned up, cracked open the Kombucha, and proceeded to have a great evening, genuinely listening to everyone else and engaging with people instead of zoning out after a few too many. Who knew?

First Bad Day at Work
My default setting used to be straight to the fridge, glass of wine to ‘decompress’ followed by several more, and then I’d wake up the next morning, still facing the same issues at work (my boss back then was a real dick), but with a bad headache. This time, I sat with a cup of tea and told my husband all about it. He felt worse, I felt better. Marriage, huh?

First Argument
Tough one, this. When my husband and I disagree, which we do with healthy regularity, I would retreat to a wine glass, remove myself from his orbit and mentally check out. Now, I do all of the above but with a non-alcoholic drink, and my method for checking out is Netflix. Same, but without the headache.

First Party
Again, I dreaded it. We did shots. I had espresso shots instead of alcohol. I ordered outrageously garish virgin cocktails and danced. Sober dancing is possible, people! I did leave earlier than I would have before, but judging by the stories circling on Monday morning, this was just another of the many bullets dodged when living a sober life.

First Birthday
This was five months in and involved a Thai takeaway at home – friends visited with a cake and I was lucky enough to be surrounded by people who love me. Job done.

First Christmas
Slightly tough one, this. Eight months in but still the brainwashing that associated Christmas build up / stress / celebrations with alcohol was there. But the overriding feeling I got was how great it is to be clear headed, present and hangover-free throughout the season. As long as I remembered this, I was okay.

First Summer Holiday
Again, associations are strong and the first time breaking these can be challenging. But a combination of drinking exotic non alcoholic alternatives, walks on the beach at times I’d be either (a) drinking or (b) recovering and using the “fast forward” method (fast forward to later that night, or the morning after), made me realise that the beach looks, smells, feels a whole lot better with a clear perspective.

Each of these firsts was navigated with varying degrees of expertise, but there was one constant: at no point did I pick up a drink.

Now, I consider myself a non-drinker for real. And I’ve learned a thing or two about the sober life – here are just a few:

1. I didn’t turn into a bore
This one seems obvious but I’m ashamed to say I thought that drinking made me more interesting. Which is ludicrous considering my husband, who makes everyone laugh all the time, hasn’t had a drink for 18 years. Now, I can be around people who drink, have a laugh, engage in conversation – in fact, not drinking makes me better company because I don’t “check out” after Drink No. 4.

2. I’m Fit
There is no reason to avoid the gym these days. I used to push myself through the odd class with a hangover, which is now my definition of Hell. Now, I look forward to getting there and my fitness levels have increased massively. I’ve lost weight and my skin is better but most of all, I feel strong, vibrant and healthy. I haven’t had a sick day since that fateful one, nearly two years ago.

3. I’m Free
Calculating whether there was enough wine in the house / whether driving was an issue / what level of hangover I’d have in the morning / failing at losing weight because the wine and resulting hangover food blew everything out the window / spending money on wine every week / not being able to collect our kid from places at night because I’d had wine / is all gone. Not a second thought, zero f*#k$, given.

4. No-One Really Cares
For some reason, I thought I’d be walking around with a big neon sign above my head that said “SOBER!” But actually, once I told people, they were interested briefly and then moved on to other things. As long as I didn’t interrupt their drinking, or preach, or judge (which I absolutely do not do), they really didn’t care. And the people who love me most were my cheerleaders, making sure interesting non-alcoholic options were available when I showed up at their houses (there are a shit ton of amazing alcohol alternatives now).

5. Mornings Are Cool
I’m a morning person. I think I always was but the booze told me I wasn’t. Mornings are the best time for me to get shit done, making the most of my energy, before the rest of the world catches on. It’s a little secret about myself I only found out when I was over 50. Better late than never, I guess.

Stopping drinking wasn’t easy at first but with a few tools, I managed to navigate the choppy waters and now I continue to sail down the river of life, sometimes calm and peaceful, sometimes rough and full of white water, but never grounded on the rocks of booze. Hell, we had a party a few weeks ago, and I remember every fabulous second if it.

And I can still dance.

Resources:

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober

Mrs D is Going Without

The Sober Diaries

That Time I Stopped Drinking (and it stuck) was last modified: March 13th, 2020 by Lizzie Dean
March 8, 2020 13 comments
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The March of Time

A Reciprocal Musical Education

Our 14 year old spends a lot of time in her room, listening to music. I did the same thing at her age – for me, it was The Police, Blondie and The Cure. We had a two-storied house so my parents were blissfully unaware of my musical choices. Not so now – as I write this in the room next door, I’m second-hand listening to Meghan Trainor, Beyonce, Khalid, Drake and Rihanna. Mixed in with all this are The Spice Girls, Dionne Warwick, Stevie Wonder, Suzi Quatro and The Clash.

Scary Ella

She has Spotify so the world is her oyster in musical terms. Just like I listened to my father’s old records in the 70’s, our kid has picked up on our subtle clues pointing back to music of decades gone by and explored them. I’ve learned that I can’t be too obtuse with my recommendations; she may never listen to Ella Fitzgerald again, thanks to that time I practically locked her in the house to listen to The Cole Porter Song Book. I hope I haven’t scarred her for life, Ella-wise.

Scary Spice

So we’re starting light. MTV recently aired a show called “90s Chart Toppers” which I suggested (okay, insisted) that we all watch together: the next day she was all over The Spice Girls, C&C Music Factory and a little bit of Dee-Lite.  I was disproportionately delighted to hear “Groove is in the Heart” coming out of her room. I may or may not have actually danced the whole length of the hallway, carrying a laundry basket at the same time (how things have changed since 1990). We’re building up to the classics and her father’s taste in music is definitely an acquired one for a teenager. Actually, it’s an acquired taste for an adult. On long car journeys I make up a Democratic Playlist on Spotify, which incorporates favourites from all three famililal points of view. It can get interesting. Although she has embraced Suzie Q and is working her way towards David Bowie and Pink Floyd. It will take some time.

Scary Mum

In parallel, I’m learning a few things about music. I have a new appreciation for Beyonce and I no longer absolutely hate Drake. I know the lyrics to most of her favourite songs, although I’m not allowed to sing them, like, actually out loud. Apparently I can sometimes be, like, seriously embarrassing.  Which is a massive coincidence because my Mum was too, when I was 14.

Scary Split Enz

My first gig was the brilliant Split Enz in Palmerston North around 100 years ago. I was 14.  Mum didn’t come with me. She did ask me not to wear too much makeup and so obviously my response was to cake on the Shiseido like there was no tomorrow. In the right light, I could have passed for a very young drag queen. But in comparison to the band, I may as well not have bothered. Heavily made-up, they were ominous and hilarious all at once: there were a lot of moody numbers amidst clouds of dry ice. It was completely thrilling and I came away convinced I needed to:

(a) wear more makeup
(b) become a pop star and
(c) spend more time backcombing my hair.

I did two out of three of these things; no prizes.

Scary Gigs

Ariana Grande played Spark Arena in Auckland recently, and I was there. Our kid is on the cusp of “solo-gigging” but I’m not ready to let her go just yet. Some of her friends head to gigs without an adult in tow: I’m sure they’re just fine but I still can’t do it. So I’ve come up with a cunning plan: I’ve booked tickets for Lorde, The Weeknd and Katy Perry, keeping her well and truly under my wing, concert-wise, till she’s at least 15. It has absolutely nothing to do with me wanting to see the acts also. No, I’m taking one for the team, getting down with the kids in spite of myself, sacrificing a nice evening in with a cup of tea for the safe musical education of my daughter.

She’s welcome.

A Reciprocal Musical Education was last modified: September 14th, 2017 by Lizzie Dean
September 14, 2017 6 comments
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Can't Live with Them...The March of Time

Birthday Party Evolution

We’ve come a long way, baby.

Our daughter turns 14 soon. We’re busy texting friends’ parents with sleepover deets, working out how many mattresses we can fit in the living room and thinking about pizza toppings. Jake and I will relinquish the better part of the house for the evening and take refuge in the bedroom with Netflix. It’s a pretty straightforward situation.

Every year, like a lot of mothers, I think about my childs’ birthdays gone by, including the original (which involved a lot of drugs and not the recreational kind. It was the best of times, the worst of times). It used to be a lot more complicated. Am I happy things are settling down? Not sure.

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Birthday Party Evolution was last modified: July 13th, 2017 by Lizzie Dean
July 12, 2017 10 comments
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The March of Time

50.75: The Pros and Cons

So, I’m nine months into my fifties and I figured it might be useful to compile a list of the good, bad and the ugly so far. I’m sure things will get better, worse and way more ugly as time marches on but here’s a snapshot in time, from my perspective.

(NB: this is not a piece about the sex workers and conmen I’ve met in my lifetime. That’s another blog entirely).

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50.75: The Pros and Cons was last modified: September 8th, 2017 by Lizzie Dean
June 29, 2017 37 comments
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Lizzie Dean

Lizzie Dean

Writer & Reader

Over 50, over my perfect BMI, inclined to see the funny side of things which renders the first two points (sort of) irrelevant.

Recent Posts

  • Farewell, Scouser: the joy and heartbreak of owning a dog

    September 26, 2021
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