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Deep & Meaningful

Yes, even I can get deep and meaningful sometimes. It doesn’t usually last long.

Deep & MeaningfulI heartThe March of Time

Farewell, Scouser: the joy and heartbreak of owning a dog

Our dog was supposed to be a cat.  

Many years ago my husband went out to find a kitten for our daughter’s third birthday. We’d had many conversations about the type of pet that might suit this only child of ours: he was voting for a dog and I was firmly on the cat path. Although not a cat person, I was attracted by the idea of low maintenance; no room in my life for a pet who required lots of looking after. Definitely not. So off he went, one July morning, to find a kitten for our little girl. Cute, right?  

And then. 

A phonecall at work. “I found her! Just one thing though. She’s a puppy”.  

“Absolutely not”. 

“Just come and take a look and then decide. We don’t have to get her but just meet her.” 

It’s the oldest trick in the book and he had me hook, line and sinker. I still don’t know if he even looked at kittens. BOOM, there she was, a whirlwind of soft grey fur, clumsy on her big paws, affectionate, snuggly and definitely our dog. She sat in my lap, curled up and looked disinclined to go anywhere else. We found out that she had been homed with a recently separated family: the mother had bought her to cheer up the kids, not understanding that puppies bring their own special brand of chaos to the house. It was too much, and she was returned after six weeks. So our puppy was a discounted, confused, return-to-the-shop who just needed a stable home and a family to love her. 

Next thing we were taking her home with our daughter proudly holding her lead in a busy carpark on the way to the car – “Don’t let go!”. But she wasn’t letting go, and she spent the rest of her childhood holding on for dear life.  

Holding on for dear life.

We named her Scouser, after the people of Liverpool where my husband was born. Generally speaking, Scousers are funny, tough, kind and clever. I’ve never met one I didn’t like (although I’ve met plenty I didn’t understand). 

Our little triangular family became a square, and Scouser became our daughter’s constant companion, guarding her against any unknown adult who dared enter the property but welcoming every child with bouncy licks, furious tail wags and rolling over for tummy tickles. Patience personified, she was dressed up as a princess, used as a horse for doll races, covered in glitter and sequins and even wrapped up like a baby for domestic play purposes. She was a cross between a bearded collie and a schnauzer, so like a miniature English Sheepdog – think Nana in Peter Pan. 

She got me off the sofa and out walking: just the mention of a walk would have her jumping in circles and we traversed the neighbourhood daily, getting to know the community, revelling in the sun, battling the wind or hunkering down in the rain. She had a very fetching Drizabone for such occasions. 

Years went by with trips to the beach chasing seagulls, car journeys with head firmly out the window, frolicking on the trampoline, playfights, cuddles and snuggles. Time seemed to fly past in the wag of a tail.  

Always a good sport.

As time went on, Scouser slowed down. The suggestion of a walk didn’t invoke the same enthusiasm; she was diagnosed with arthritis and given pain relief. Then sleeping became the most desired activity after eating; so we let her sleep. And then one day sleeping took priority over eating: then, we knew we had a problem. 

A heart condition was discovered and medication dispensed, which kept her going in a comfortable place for around six months. But we knew we were all living on borrowed time. There is a thing called ‘anticipatory grief’ – when you process a lot of your grief prior to loss of life, and I think we did a fair bit of that. Suffice to say cuddles were number one priority. 

Snuggles <3

And then one night three months ago while I was overseas, she sat up in her basket on the floor in our bedroom, coughed and lay back down again, asleep forever now. My husband and daughter sat with her through the night and for a lot of the next day, which was a Sunday. I was in Australia for a joyous family occasion and that Sunday was a surreal experience for me. I did manage to see her when I got back to Auckland at the pet crematorium: she was curled up in her basket still, snuggled and at peace with her favourite blanket on to keep her warm. The vet tells us this is the best case scenario: at home, with the family, and quickly. She was 15 years old.   

Would I do it again? Absolutely not, and yes, in a heartbeat. I can’t recommend having a dog in the family enough. If you’re on the fence about this, let me try to pull you over the line. Children thrive with dogs in the house: they have someone to tell their secrets to, unconditional love is modelled unconditionally, and there is fun and laughter to be had. So, so much fun and laughter! It’s tough in the early days: puppies belie the chaos and stress they bring with their adorable little faces, but it’s worth it: that stage is just a blip in the life of a dog, if you’re as lucky as we were to have a dog that lives to a ripe old age.  

And yet, we won’t get another one. Scouser was sent to us for a purpose: she bookended our kids’ childhood perfectly: arriving on her third birthday and leaving just months before she leaves high school. Her job was done and if dogs can feel pride, she would have been bursting with it.  

So get the dog. Grit your teeth when it pees on the carpet and love it with all you have: you can guarantee it will love you back ten times harder. But remember when you do, a deal has been struck: it will end in a kind of heartbreak that is somehow okay because, well, you got the dog.  

Farewell, Scouser: the joy and heartbreak of owning a dog was last modified: September 26th, 2021 by Lizzie Dean
September 26, 2021 21 comments
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Deep & MeaningfulRandom Stuff

Apparently, my clap is hugely irritating.

I have a method which requires some effort but guarantees a good, clear, loud, that-was-bloody-fantastic sound of appreciation. But occasionally, when I clap along to music in my own kitchen – my current favourite is cheesy 80s tracks on MTV Classic (I know, who does that, but come on, we’re all a bit weird), my family yell “Nooooooooooo!” grimacing dramatically and plugging their ears. Usually I stop clapping but continue doing something equally stupid but less noisy. Like I said, we’re all weird. And who can resist Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Wanna Have Fun? It’s all in the title.

Along with the annoying sound, I am compelled to use this clap as much as possible.

You know that moment when someone has addressed a large group of people, they round off their speech, stand and smile, sometimes nervously, usually in anticipation, and nothing happens? Crickets. Tumbleweeds. I die a little bit inside. I think possibly no-one likes being the first person to clap. Kiwis are a bit nervous about looking stupid. What if the person hasn’t finished speaking? What if no-one else claps? What if everyone thinks I’m a dick? Or maybe people just don’t give a shit. I prefer to think it’s one of the first three.

Anyway, this doesn’t happen often on my watch: I jump in, boots and all, with my irritatingly loud clap, and sometimes people jump at the sound, usually everyone joins in and it’s all okay. I can breathe again. I also have a very robust but irritating “Wooooooo!” which I reserve for concerts. I know how appreciated they are: I’ve performed on stage once or twice in my life and have been the happy recipient of a woo or two. You really can’t beat a good woo.  

Tell Me More

Listening – proper, actual listening – is also a form of appreciation. And it’s harder than it sounds. Focus is a skill required now more than ever, possibly because it’s harder than ever to achieve. If we’re lucky, we all know someone who has that ability to make you feel heard: they’re not formulating their response as you provide yours, they’re fully listening to what you have to say, even when there’s noise all around. We all know people who are plainly waiting for their chance to jump in with their view. I think we all do it sometimes.

My sister had the gift of listening: we could be in a room full of people clamouring to say their piece, and if you were talking, she’d hold your gaze, nod encouragingly and just by the look in her eyes you knew she was thinking ‘keep going, I’m interested’. She had three daughters and this skill was massively useful when they all had something to say. She used to say her (second) favourite three little words were “tell me more”. And listening isn’t just good for the speaker: when we listen we learn stuff. Win-win.

On the Road

Does anyone else get warm-and-fuzzies when bus drivers turn on their hazard lights to thank you for letting them in? Or when the person who’s just given way for you raises their hand in response to you raising yours? Driving seems to heighten everything. I can be filled with gratitude and goodwill one minute, but then BOOM! Someone cuts me off and it’s a different story completely. Another blog for another time, but suffice to say it’s not all please-and-thankyou on my way to work.

The Gratitude Bandwagon

I know. We’re bombarded with gratitude advice these days. It’s supposed to improve physical health, improve mental health, improve sleep, reduce aggression, increase empathy, yada yada yada. And I also know that I’m writing this from an extremely lucky position, relatively speaking. Gratitude should abound, right?

Well, I gotta tell ya, I’m not always grateful. Waking up on the wrong side of the bed / the dog pissing on the carpet overnight (she’s old and incontinent, a glimpse into my future perhaps?) / running out of coffee / bad traffic on my way to work / insert any number of relatively insignificant events here / can put me way below the requisite gratitude benchmark. Is that wrong? No, I think it’s human.

But I am making an effort to remember all the things I’m grateful for. Sometimes I even write them down. Perspective is a great thing, especially when you zoom that perspective out on a global level. We’re doing okay. We’re doing more than okay.

I think that deserves a very loud round of applause.

was last modified: April 24th, 2021 by Lizzie Dean
April 24, 2021 1 comment
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Deep & MeaningfulFeatured

The G Word

Tricky subject, grief.  

When I started this blog my intention was to shine some light and levity onto the everyday, common grind.  You know, those universal things like bad haircuts, phones dropped down the loo, generation gaps and people with capsule wardrobes.  

Grief, I thought, was way too heavy for me to talk about here.  

You know that saying,  “there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes”?  

Since I’m not writing anything about tax anytime soon (GST return banter, it turns out, is dry AF), let’s look at the former. Because that is universal. Pretty much everyone walking around on this earth has experienced it in some form. The older you are, the more likely it is.  

When it comes to grief, my credentials are pretty strong, but there have been three standouts so far: my parents, and my sister. All three were completely different experiences and all three are with me still, just below the surface, carried around like a heavy weight produced by some kind of beautiful stone. The only thing I would swap out that weight for is having them back again which, at the time of writing, is highly unlikely.

I take these beautiful stones, each a different shade of the same colour, out every now and then to polish and tuck away again; sometimes they fall out without warning and I trip over them just when I think I have this whole grief thing sorted. I certainly don’t pretend to know a lot about this thing that affects us all in some way, at some point. But there are a few things I do know for sure:


Analogy No. 1: The Ball and the Box 

I take no credit for this but it’s a good one. Imagine a box with a lid, and a button inside. Every time the button is pushed you’re administered a hit of pain. Now, place a ball in there. At first the ball is huge: it rolls around in the box, smashing into the button all the time and the pain hits A LOT.  Gradually, the ball gets smaller. Every day it shrinks an infitesimal amount, still rolling around and arbitrarily hitting that button, which produces the same pain, just less often. The ball never disappears, though. Which simultaneously pisses you off and pleases you. Grief is confusing.  


The Arbitrary Whack to the Back of the Knees 

Minding your own business, whistling a tune, sun shining, tracking nicely. Look up, spot someone with the same haircut / smile / way of walking / voice as that person you’re missing, and BAM! An invisible force has taken a cricket bat to the back of your knees. If they’re especially similar, there may be a second or two where you inhabit a parallel universe – is that person really gone? Or was it all a dream and here they are, in the middle of your local supermarket? You buckle – sometimes physically, sometimes mentally, and sometimes both. People around you wonder if you have allergies, or are having a stroke, or (depending on your demographic) experiencing a hot flush. #awkwardpain


If In Doubt, Do.

I love talking about the people I’ve lost. Not in a maudlin, woe-is-me kind of way, but in a celebratory, wasn’t-she-a-boss kind of way. I know not everyone is like me; some people prefer to hold their memories close and personal. But if someone you love has lost someone they love, I suggest you test the water. No need to go in too heavy, just bring that person up in conversation; provide the opportunity to tell some stories. You’ll soon know if it’s not a welcome invitation. And, if they end up crying and telling you how they’re really doing, you’ll feel a little worse and they’ll feel a little better, which is part of the deal when you love someone. Symmetrical, right?

I’m definitely one for talking about the people we’ve lost but people tend to think it will be a mistake to bring them up in the conversation. Ironically thinking it will suddenly make you think about them making you feel sad, when the reality is you’re thinking about them all the time anyway and craving happy memories.

A very wise friend of mine; also a talker.

Sometimes It’s Good to Poke the Bear

Occasionally exposing yourself to something that puts you right in the middle of your grief can be a good thing to do. For example, I was once in a traffic jam on my way home from work when I decided to play a song that put me right back in my sister’s house some two years earlier. Admittedly, doing this in the car was not the best idea (I had to pull over) but it was cathartic and I felt strangely calm afterwards (although I haven’t played that song since and may not ever again). Doing this on the way home from work and not on my way in was a good idea as I looked like the lovechild of Alice Cooper and The Bride of Frankenstein by the time I got home. Hey, no-one ever said grief was pretty.


Analogy No. 2: The Beach

Imagine your grief is the ocean, and you’re standing on a beach. Initially, the waves are huge and frequent, and every time they hit you, you’re pulled out into a churning, disorienting sea. After a time, the ocean spits you back out onto the beach, gasping for air, clinging to life and wondering what just happened. And repeat. Only thing is, every time you’re deposited back onto the shore, you’re a little further up the beach. Eventually only the biggest waves can get to you. They still do, but you’re more prepared once you’re further up the beach. And less soggy.


Death Fuelling Life

Everyone who leaves us passes on this message: we only have so long. Every death serves as a reminder to the living that it’s one life, not a rehearsal, only so many days, and all the other clichés. Everyone who has left me has in some unknowing way encouraged me to cherish my life. And yes, I just used the word CHERISH with no apology.  

So go on, tell the stories, share the memories, play the song (maybe just not in the car), watch the ball shrink and brace yourself for the cricket bat to the back of the knees.

And when you’ve done all that, live.

The G Word was last modified: February 29th, 2024 by Lizzie Dean
April 26, 2020 28 comments
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Deep & MeaningfulFeatured

Lockdown Tips for My Pre-Covid Self

Well, that escalated quickly.

In some ways, it feels like only recently I was awkwardly elbow-bumping my way through dinner at our favourite local restaurant with friends (remember elbow-bumping? Remember favourite local restaurants?), chatting about how I’d taken my work computer home “just in case but really, I’ll be lugging it all back in on Monday”.

Cut to the next day, at the hairdresser, watching the press conference announcing New Zealand’s “Alert Level” system and just a few days later, news of Level 3 / going into Level 4.

And so it began: The Big Pause.

We’re over three weeks into Level 4 now and it has become the new norm in many ways. But take a step back and consider this from the perspective of someone looking on from three months ago. Weird, right?

So, just in case I stumble across the formula for that time travel machine (hey, they said to start a new project during lockdown), I’ve got some tips for that 3-month-younger me.

Dear Me,
Lockdown Tips for a Covid Age

Listen, I know the words “Lockdown” and “Covid” mean nothing to you right now. But soon they’ll be a major part of your vocabulary, along with some other weird shit that’s going on right now….  

Zoom is Your Frenemy
You’re working from home, and thus, like millions of others, have embraced Zoom as a platform for virtual meetings. You’re a little afraid of it now, but soon you’ll be running that thing like a boss. Only thing is, even though there’s nothing personal on your computer, you’re still too scared to screenshare just in case there is. You know that feeling when you see a policeman and you feel guilty even though you’ve done nothing wrong? Similar thing. Also, you need to learn to keep your video function off until you’ve checked your hair / up your nose/ that there’s nothing in your teeth.  

Makeup Doesn’t Matter
Remember those actual nightmares you used to have about leaving your cosmetic bag at work and having to go into the office without makeup on? Turns out, it doesn’t matter. Everyone has a face underneath that makeup and they’re usually pretty nice. Even yours. Chill out.

Life’s a Lottery and You Did Pretty Great
On the world stage, New Zealand’s handling this thing comparatively well. When lockdown happens, it’s a no-nonsense process, going hard, going early. With a couple of exceptions (wait till you hear about the guy coughing in the supermarket), everyone does what they’re asked to do, making for more than a few moments of quiet national pride, which I know we’re not usually into, but these are exceptional times.   

You’ll Fangirl over Jacinda
There’s no getting around this: she’s OWNING IT. Partly because a lot of other world leaders are making her look good but mostly because she’s got a plan, and she’s sticking to it. Soon you’ll be basing your lunchbreak around the daily press conference, which usually stars Cindy and a guy called Dr Ashley Bloomfield who is like some kind of Clark Kent character with floppy hair and glasses, and you’ll marvel at Jacinda’s ability to navigate questions fired at her by the press. Some of the questions are pretty stupid.

Covid-Centric Advertising
There will be a whole new swathe of advertising centred around this virus. And it will be very similar, usually involving sombre, slow piano music and long pieces of drone footage of empty spaces with an emotional voiceover by a Morgan Freeman type actor, followed by a quickening of said piano music and some kind of uplifting “Togetherness” message. In spite of the same-ness of all these ads, they’ll get you right where it hurts, every time. Just go with it.

Ignore the Pressure
Social media will be full of suggestions and opportunities to BETTER YOURSELF. Why not take this lockdown time to learn a new language / get that bikini body / build a time travel machine? (Well, maybe try the last one because it’s the only way this message is getting through).

You’ll Love Your Dog Even More
I know, you think this is impossible. But you guys will spend a lot of time together and you’ll bond even more.  She’ll feature on your Zooms, provide a welcome distraction from the boredom, lie at your feet while you work and follow you around so much that you’re in danger of tripping over and falling. But you don’t care because she’s definitely The Best Dog Ever. And you tell her that at least every half an hour. You’re both getting a bit fat because of the increase in respective treats, but like I said earlier, exceptional times.

Move Over, Major Tom
There’s this 99 year old man in England called Captain Tom Moore, who’s literally walking around his garden with his zimmerframe to raise money for the NHS and he’s going to make a lot of money and make you cry. When the news comes on, you make your teenager come out of her room to watch it because we all need this kind of thing in our lives right now.

You’ll be Separate but More Together
Remember when Skype came out and we tried to videoconference family in the UK, and we did it for a while because of the novelty factor but then stopped? Well it’s back, baby! In Zoom form this time, and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do this before now. Calls will be scheduled regularly with the people you love, both in other countries and around the corner, and sometimes you’ll sit with your breakfast coffee in your dressing gown, while they sip their after dinner wine, slightly pissed, and you’ll laugh, share stories, talk about nothing much because there’s nothing much to talk about, and just be together. A strange and lovely irony that this thing, which necessitates being physically apart, is bringing so many of us together.

Getting Up Early Will Seem Like a Ridiculous Idea
You know how you get up at 5.15am to go to the gym?
LOL.
Right now, you’re getting up in just enough time to have a shower and hit your desk, which is in the next room. You’re seriously considering the sense behind that early morning regime.

The Neighbourhood Tango
Every evening, when you’ve finished work, you go for a walk around your neighbourhood, which is much more civilized than a 6am spin class. And when you head towards someone coming in the opposite direction, so begins a balletic circular-swerve motion, sometimes necessitating walking into the road which is okay because there are no cars around. And with a shy, wry smile and nod of the head, you both acknowledge the barmy but necessary thing you just did.

We still don’t know how long this thing will run. Pace yourself. You’re fortunate enough to be in a bubble full of love and laughter but a lot of people don’t have that luxury, and you’ll think about that a lot, too. (Did I mention bubbles? Another phrase to add to your Covid-vocab, along with “lockdown”, “self-isolation”, “social distancing” and “PPE”).

One more thing. Buy some flour.

x

Lockdown Tips for My Pre-Covid Self was last modified: April 21st, 2020 by Lizzie Dean
April 18, 2020 8 comments
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Deep & Meaningful

Can You Be Happy 100 Days in a Row?

Well, no.  Not exactly. Not consistently. Anyone who claims to be is either:

(a) Lying;
(b) Imbibing;
(c) Certifiable;

and most definitely deeply annoying.

Continue Reading
Can You Be Happy 100 Days in a Row? was last modified: June 26th, 2017 by Lizzie Dean
April 21, 2016 0 comment
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Lizzie Dean

Lizzie Dean

Writer & Reader

Over 50, over my perfect BMI, inclined to see the funny side of things which renders the first two points (sort of) irrelevant.

Recent Posts

  • Farewell, Scouser: the joy and heartbreak of owning a dog

    September 26, 2021
  • April 24, 2021
  • The G Word

    April 26, 2020
  • A Tale of Two Puppies

    August 9, 2024
  • Lockdown Tips for My Pre-Covid Self

    April 18, 2020

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